Head to Heart
At first, I wasn't going to join the throngs of voices condemning the event that took place in our nation’s capital. As a mob infiltrated a federal building in their misguided support of a clearly racist, abusive, and misogynist president, I felt there was enough coverage and enough being said. Then, I decided that NOT enough has been said because there are still counter voices justifying, or at the very least, minimizing what happened. Some are even supplying funds for the legal defense of the top perpetrators!
That word stood out to me. “Minimize”. This is a word that is often used when describing abuse. Minimize. It’s a tactic used by an abuser to shut down the voice of the person they are manipulating, controlling, and abusing. What is at the root of this maneuver is to avoid taking a look at their own behavior and definitely avoiding the hurt they are inflicting that would lead to the notion that they must change. It separates the head from the heart.
I’ve encountered this throughout my life. For example, I was a small, hard of hearing child witnessing an uncle tell an employee in a small town Tennessee store that I was “deaf and dumb” to explain why I didn’t hear his greeting. I later asked him why he said that mean thing and he minimized my hurt by saying, “You can’t hear and that’s what we call it down here.” That’s the way it is, he conveyed, and it’s not going to change based on YOUR feelings.
Or the time I told a person I was in a relationship with that I felt embarrassed when they called me a name under their breath so I couldn’t hear but others in our group could clearly hear it. His response was, “You’re too sensitive. Get the f*ck over it. It was just a joke.” Minimizing.
Wikipedia defines “minimisation” (another spelling of minimization) as:
Minimisation may take the form of a manipulative technique:
observed in abusers and manipulators to downplay their misdemeanors when confronted with irrefutable facts.[3][4]
observed in abusers and manipulators to downplay positive attributes (talents and skills etc.) of their victims.[5] ~ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minimisation_(psychology) taken from: https://counsellingresource.com/features/2009/02/23/minimization-manipulation-tactic
The first definition is what we have been living through as an American culture since the beginning of it, the second is more targeted to personal relationships though it does play out in the political realm quite frequently. More alarmingly, we have seen religious leaders do the same thing as they have exponentially gotten involved in political commentary over these last many years.
Getting back to the Capitol Building breach and the subsequential dialogue, so much minimizing is taking place. This is just another continuation of what has been happening for the Brown and Black experience for centuries. From minimizing the category of their existence at the inception of our country to minimizing the blatant unequal treatment issued to them by our country’s leadership and law enforcement, it has been revealed to my soul that we are in an abusive relationship with ourselves as a nation. From the smallest town church pew to the family systems to the highest room of our nation’s office, abusive tactics have been enabled and allowed to endure.
When will we succeed as a collective unit and call this country’s behavior what it is? How do we move forward to aligning with the other abled, the LGBTQIA community, and the black and brown people that have been a part of our growth as a nation since the foundation of it?
To be clear, I am not calling on the privileged to be a “hero” but an ally. There’s been enough idolatry going around. To be a hero implies that the hero knows what’s best to handle an issue and no one else around does. A hero is followed and revered. An ally is a partner with a group who listens, coordinates, collaborates but NEVER dismisses the voices of those IN the experience, trauma, or event.
Our country is founded on “heroes”, not to discount their achievements, but haven’t we learned that when we ally with others, we get more done with peace and unity? We consider ourselves equal and not one above anyone else.
I know that when I told my uncle that I was hurt by the phrase, “deaf and dumb”, I needed an ally. I didn’t need him to be a hero and go through the whole city and tell everyone to stop saying that phrase, I just needed him to say, at the moment, “Wow, I didn’t think of how that hurt you. (acknowledge the hurt) In what way did that offend you or hurt you and what do we need to do? (ask for my experience to promote change) Let’s do that. (become my ally)”
I am ethnically white so I don’t know the brown and black experience besides what I have witnessed being married to a lovely brown-skinned man. I hear in his voice the pain of knowing you are being judged by your skin color before you ever open your mouth. And if he called anyone on it? His feeling and experience would very very likely be minimized by those unwilling to hear or are uncomfortable with coming to terms with their ignorance.
I can’t make any pronouncements on what I think everyone should do because I’m just an average citizen trying to figure this life out. I’m only an observer and can only translate what I process in my head into a stirring in my heart to change. I hope this message touches you to connect the thoughts, feelings, and observations of the head to a thorough, compassionate, and loving heart change away from minimization and truly attempt to understand even if it’s uncomfortable. Even better, align yourselves with the voices that are suffering.
Look out for each other.
