Burn, Baby, Burn!
Lately, I’ve been searching my soul for the meaning of life. I have participated in tending to the necesssities of life. I have seen others do the same. But, as I drive from one errand to another, I find myself getting lost in the mundanity of the task and feel the numbness set in. Often, I don’t even remember the route I just took or whether or not, for certain, that last light actually turned green giving me safe passage through an intersection.
6 weeks ago, my mother was admitted into the hospital for potentially life threatening reasons. 2 weeks ago, I was told I had a ruptured eardrum. 40 years ago, I was diagnosed with sensori-neural hearing loss that will progressively get worse as I age…ulitmately, very likely, becoming completely deaf.
Depressing, right?
Well, sure…I get lost in the reflection of these events and think about the finality of life. Often, fear sets in and panic ensues as the big questions of life and how I want to live it enter my mind and soul. Suddenly, I’m planning an escape from the daily grind determined to live my life in an extraordinary way.
But, what is extraordinary? That is where I get hung up, become confused, and just end up going to bed from the exhaustion of ping-ponging what that looks like for me.
There are plenty of examples in media and history showing exceptional people and their rise to notoriety because of their life choices. Snapshot stories from Jesus Christ to the popular movie, Titanic, and the fictional character Rose DeWitt Bukater fill the imagination centers of my mind when I contemplate lives that seemed extraordinary. Should I follow thier leads and travel the Middle East challenging the oppressive mindsets of religious leaders…Or, like Rose, do all the daring things that defy the social conventions of modern society’s view of what a woman should be?
When I imagine the historical people who lived very big lives, I can see their eyes reflecting a certain defiance to do it their way. To hell with any convention, norm, or, even the law in some cases.
I don’t think living a remarkable life is an easy one. I don’t think all of these humans set out to be different than the rest. I think being different is lonely and isolating as being human is about connection so that certainly places one at a disadvantage to be set apart in this way. I believe that many of us desire to have things come easily. Even when I say the trite phrase, “I like a good challenge,” I am truthful with that but it can’t be too challenging or I begin to feel the discomfort of doubt and fear.
I have lived most of my life trying desperately to fit in. So much that I have smothered the fire of who I am so all that was left were smoldering embers. I needed to feel a sense of connection with certain other individuals or groups in my life that I acclimated to their way of living it so I could be in sync with them, him, or her to fill the gap of lonliness. What happened instead, however; was an internal sense of agitation, confusion, and no clarity at all whatsoever. A general unease has coursed through my veins for YEARS while I became prone to anxiety, tears, and low self-esteem. The choices I made for my life were dependent upon the acceptance of those with whom I was trying to fit in.
Recently, I have begun to think that it’s the smoke from the dying fire of my being penetrating every cell in this body.
Smoke does that. It impairs and chokes.
It disables.
You’ll notice that when you are near a crackling fire, it emits very little smoke. The flames are comforting and warm. It sustains life. It’s only when you are putting it out that the smoke billows and clouds the surrounding area.
It’s only then you feel the harmful effects of the smoke in your lungs.
Because of my need to assimilate into my relationships, my family, my (former) church, and my society, I was unknowingly dousing the flames of my indiviuality. My autonomy. My spark of specialness that’s unique to ONLY me.
No wonder I’ve been blindly gasping and choking inside my own spirit. After all, I’m only the hazy essence of who I actually am.
I mentioned the unpleasant events above, not to garner sympathy, but to demonstrate that life will throw some zingers that knock you out of the mundane and cause you to question everything you thought you were okay with. I’m going through it now. Some in my circle are going through it.
But some others aren’t.
Even though big, scary occurrences create big, scary emotions and questions, some choose not to not do the work because they might just be okay with staying right where they are in their bliss of ignorance.
Or….They might be choking on the smoke of their dying embers too.
That doesn’t make them wrong, or me right…or the other way around. They might not have been jolted enough or they might truly be okay with the way things are.
For now.
For me, I’m not okay with the way things have been and still are…within myself. I’m also not okay with how I’ve used up so much energy to adjust my essential being into the fabric of someone else’s tapestry. I want to live an extraordinary life in my own way.
As these recent big, scary occurrences came up, I have evaluated that I can no longer use that energy to fit in. It’s not sustainable. Knowing that I will have symptomatic days of vertigo, hearing, and mobility issues makes me want to live each current moment that I have using that energy to stoke the flame of my genuine self. I absolutely must reach into what makes me unique, joyful, content, steady, secure, and whole. I must live this Earth walk on my terms. I’m positive there will be days that I am just too tired to do the work and that’s okay to take a rest but the journey must be ongoing…forever really.
The choice to do so may upset others and may bring on the haters. It may mean having to spend more time alone or accept that you might not have the support of those you may love or admire. I honestly believe that some people are threatened by the roaring firelight of another person’s inner luminosity shined through. They stand ready to extinguish that flame with words or looks because they might have to face some very hard work to keep their own fire going.
I don’t know what the days to come will be like as I continue to do the work of undoing the habits of compliance for the sake of approval.
But I do know that I’m glowing a little more today than I was yesterday.
~ I'd love to hear your story. Email me at thedeafscribe@gmail.com if you ever have a thought or comment to share! I will always respond.
©️ Angela Cross
