Day 14-Perspective

Over the last 2 weeks, I’ve had the chance to really think about and absorb the idea of having a cochlear implant. It has been a very emotionally complicated 2 weeks because I’ve had other big questions spring into my mind about life and the way I want to live it. It seems that these situations give you a new perspective.

It’s messy though.

For instance, I have toyed with the idea of taking a road trip alone. I had never imagined I would be brave enough to go on a solo journey. When the idea first entered my mind, it was a while back and I quickly lost the nerve to even think about planning for it. Now, though? On the brink of a major ear surgery? With the risk, however rare, of losing my hearing forever in the right ear? My perspective has changed. Now, life looks different as the functions necessary for sensory perceptions operate at below optimum.

And declining.

I realize that the fears that I once held close are fears now to overcome and toss away. I don’t have the same amount of time that I once fooled myself into believing that I had before. I mean, do we really have the time we think we have?

No.

But, I think some are more aware of this than others and apply this to their lives intentionally…and others become aware of this only by an extreme circumstance appearing out of nowhere.

I’m in the latter category.

Unfortunately.

But, I’d rather be in that category than never to know it at all, as some others still seem to be stuck there. Imagine NEVER living your life in such a way that it could be gone tomorrow and you didn’t live it with the intention of it being a full life on your terms and based on your aspirations. Imagine living your life according to the expecatations of others or in such a way that’s acceptable to someone that you are trying to please.

I was that person and it makes my heart so heavy to imagine myself or someone else living this way. I actually still am this person to a degree and I’m trying to chip away the stone that covers the soft flesh of who I really am.

I say “soft flesh” because to be who you really are is to be vulnerable and easily wounded. We walk around wrapped in the stone of protecting our authentic self from stares of judgment, from the harsh words as daggers piercing the soul of our inner character, and the societal standards that are damaging to our mental health.

While this stone allegedly keeps us safe, it also restricts us from shining through. We simply cannot show up thoroughly in this way.

And, it’s suffocating.

Heavy.

Which takes me back to the solo trip. Sometimes, we are so surrounded by the presence of others that we continue to polish and shine this stone facade because we feel like we need to continue protecting our inside. Perhaps, we find security in his, her, or their presence because we don’t want to be alone. Maybe we carry this burden of weight on us so we can have them in our lives and continue gaining their acceptance so they’ll never leave us.

But, we leave ourselves in the process.

Maybe we need to leave the supposed comfort of others we aim to please in order to shatter the stone that envelopes us.

Even as I write this, my imagination soars to being alone on a trip with no one to share the experience with. It feels lonely and desperate. Solitarily eating in a restaurant, drinking coffee in a shop, walking a boardwalk, watching the ocean, gazing at the stars, or driving unescorted along a stretch of highway looks daunting to me from this vantage point.

It will be an adventure for sure.

I’m reminded of Siddhartha or Alice of the Wonderland story. They started out alone. Then, I’m reminded that no man, woman, or person is truly ever alone. What characters will I encounter that I might not if I’m spending that time with someone else? What things will I notice that I might not have if I was on someone else’s agenda? This part of the journey excites me because I’ve had these experiences while alone and close to home. And, they’ve ALWAYS been magical.

Yes, it will feel isolating, that it’s all down to me to decide my next step or solution to a problem.

But, I think it’s necessary to have these feelings and not be afraid anymore.

The reward will be that the stone covering my soft, inner soul will possibly fall completely away and I can be more fully…

Me.

©️ Angela Cross