Little Legacies
Today is Father’s Day. Almost 7 years after my own father passed away. A few days ago, I could have sworn there was a smell of black coffee and maple syrup when I woke up. While the maple syrup was unexplainable, I was assured that the black coffee was Dad’s energy coming through some crevice of memory where I carry him with me always. We have recently moved and it seemed like he was checking the new digs out as he would have done if he was alive. Though the scent dissipated within 5 minutes at 4:30 in the morning, the visceral feeling of his love and concern remained.
My dad wasn’t perfect, whose dad is? As the days go from one to the next, I’m curious to know what he would have been like had he gone on living in this realm. As he aged, so too did the growth of his awareness of what’s important in life. And that is, what we leave behind for our families to remember. Over the years, my mom, my brother, and I have found bits and pieces of messages that Dad wrote in random places. Even finding one on the underside of a very old board game that the family played. We were thrilled when we found these messages. And, too, it’s confirmation that he was learning and being intentional that his legacy was that of reassuring his family that he loved them.
As I continue to reflect on his focused intention of leaving something behind, it puts things in perspective about any potential concerns that seem trivial. I used to examine pictures of me and pick apart how I wasn’t wearing makeup, or was looking fat, or had jacked up hair. Now, I look at them and examine how happy I appear to be with the people I love. Does my face reflect that? Is the energy of the picture radiating joy? When I am gone (hopefully, a long, long, time from now), will my loved ones and friends look at those pictures in the inevitable slideshow and say, “Man, we had a great time,” or “I knew she loved me by seeing her face glow in the picture with me,” or even, “She’s smiling like that because SHE knew I loved HER.”
No one really looks at what the deceased was lacking in photos. They just want them back for one more hour, day, week…forever. Their only consolation is to see the person happy in those photos, especially the photos that they are in together and know that moment was captured to see later when it’s most needed. When they ache to see that person’s face again, talk with them again, embrace them again, or hear their voice again. The memories that emerge from the fascia of the soul are precious and sacred.
In the lead up to Father’s Day, I braced myself for the sadness and grief that I felt was sure to come. This being the 6th one without him hasn’t come with less of a sting but, this time, I welcomed it. I sat with the void of his physical presence until I began to allow the bubbling up of all the other ways his presence will ALWAYS be with me. With this, adding to my own intention of just being in full joy and love with my loved ones and building a legacy of love that has an effect on generations to come.
Some of my times with Dad were strained. Especially when I became a young adult. I reflect now and always thought he was angry with or disappointed in me. I even thought he disowned me after my becoming a mother at such a young age. I’ve worked through most of that but the feeling still lightly niggles at me from time to time. Last night, I heard about unclaimed funds and received instructions on how to find them. I discovered that Dad started a savings account for my daughter when she was an infant. She’s now an adult. There’s only 20 dollars in it and he had been a huge support to her over the years in all ways, including financially. But, that 20 dollar savings account was started during the peak of his alcoholism and our 1 year estrangement period. Even though his own daughter and he weren’t speaking, he started a savings account for his brand new baby granddaughter. The granddaughter that he would go on to adore and protect. The one he would have a bond with like no one else. The one that misses him and feels his absence uniquely as her only stable and reliable male father figure despite his own personal struggles. Amidst his own pain during her infancy, he wanted to provide a legacy for her in some kind of way so she knew she had a grandfather that loved her. He also went on to make strides in healing his relationship with his family.
This may all seem romanticized as many who knew Dad knew he could be a hellion but they didn’t get to see him weep for the pain he felt he caused others. They didn’t see the man who didn’t want to go but faced his departure from this plane with courage and a degree of acceptance. Why else would he have taken steps to leave little legacies everywhere for us to find? The ones that pass down his message…
“I love you more than anything in this world.”
