One of These Things is Not Like the Other

I’m sure you’ve been there. Hanging out in a situation, a job function, a class, or any other group setting. And your eyes scan the room to orient yourself with the surroundings.

There, you notice it. “I’m not like anyone here.”

Over there, is the person with a perfect looking physique. And, look! Over there is the person who just exudes confidence. That person is well educated with loads of experience. To your right is the eloquent, well-spoken person who just captivates the room.

“I gotta get out of here,” a voice in your head tells you.

But, you don’t. Because you can’t. You have to be here because you’re scheduled to be.

So, you find yourself blending further and further into the background. Maybe they won’t notice me or the fact that I shouldn’t be here.

“I’m not like anyone here.”

“I’m not qualified.”

But, you stick with the agonizing amount of time that you have to get through this.

Then, you leave. With relief, you leave.

Then, the intimidation kicks in and following closely behind is the comparison.

All those people seem to be better qualified, more confident, more skilled, more energetic, more vocal, and more anything else that comes to mind.

“I’ll never measure up to where they are.”

“They’re presence drowns mine out.”

Sometimes, this creates a spin effect and you spiral into the void of not belonging.

It’s a void because there’s no life to it. I personally deal with it all the time. And, I wonder if the people I find myself in these situations with deal with it too? Or, have they already conquered this struggle?

It really knocks me down for a few days where I must retreat in order to draw inward and recalibrate my intentions. What is my goal? Is it to fit in? Or, is it to learn what I need to in order to help others? Why am I so susceptible to believing that I have less to offer than others? Why is my value hinged on what I have to offer in the first place? Shouldn’t being a human with both, skills and frailties, be enough to have intrinsic value?

Just because the group that I find myself in barely speaks to me or engages others as though in a clique doesn’t mean that I’m any less skilled than they are.

Maybe, just maybe…the reaction to blend in the background gives off a vibe to them too?

I don’t have the answers to any of these questions at this point in my ruminations. Because that’s what they are, ruminations. I find that ruminations often don’t return any quick answers. They just keep swirling around in the mind and create feelings. And, not positive feelings. A popular medical journal states that the problem one is ruminating about has no solution, it’s evasive.

I guess that’s why thinking about this causes so much pain and can be paralyzing. Worse, it takes away the mission of the person doing it. Most of us decide to put ourselves in these group situations because everyone is sharing a common goal. That common goal is usually to ultimately help better themselves or others.

Maybe I’m being looked at with the same scrutiny and questions that I myself am asking. I don’t want anyone to feel that way about me. That I somehow am superior to anyone else. I do, however; appreciate it when someone notices my skills. It’s affirming and validating.

Perhaps that’s what we’re all vibing about, “Notice what I have to contribute if you please,” we all silently scream.

Through those non-verbal cues, we just send out waves of attempting to prove that we belong there. Each of us. That perfect physique person just wants to prove that they take care of themselves so they’ll be able to take care of you too. That eloquent speaker knows how to get it said intelligently so you’ll know they will speak up for you. That skilled person just wants you to trust their abilities.

Maybe it’s just best to look at those projections from people in these settings as their need to be valued for those projected skills too? View them as a value that’s important to them and not a threat to you. Be kind to them even in the midst of your own lack of ability to feel whole.

I repeatedly find that it’s ALWAYS best to be kind. Kindness is the great equalizer. Even when it seems like it isn’t. I’m not talking about the righteous kindness, the one that people give out only for them to walk away and say, “Well, I tried to be kind so I’m superior to them because they still acted like a rude jerk.” I’m talking about the sort of kindness that’s humble. The one that says simply, “I see you,” without an agenda to pat yourself on the back later.

It’s hard to issue that brand of kindness, though, when you find yourself comparing. Comparing breeds instant competitiveness and there’s no space for humility in those moments.

I can’t figure out why people act cliqueish or project superiority but I guess it’s not my business. It certainly doesn’t help me to stay on mission nor does it grow kindness in my spirit.

Maybe next time, I can look around and notice those projections and take them for what they usually are: people just trying to find their way around this messed up place. And, make it better.

Just like me.

I hope that we all do find our way.

And, make it better.

https://theocdandanxietycenter.com/rumination/#:~:text=Rumination%20is%20defined%20as%20engaging,to%20solve%20an%20evasive%20problem.