Too Much World
An uncle on my dad’s side passed away yesterday. He was always really kind to me. Since Dad died, everything connected to him brings his life, then death, to the forefront of my mind. So, naturally…grief strikes hard during these events.
What stood out this time, is something Dad used to say when the overwhelm of life kicked in. Currently, amazing things are happening in my life. Educational goals are being met, yoga teaching opportuniites are on the horizon, new friendships are blossoming, and a redirection of what makes me happy is being addressed for the first time in a long time. It’s wonderful and exhilarating. With this comes the other side of that, the things in my value system that are lacking. I won’t go into those here but with the good, comes an evaluation of what isn’t great.
I try to hold onto the truth that 2 emotions can exist at the same time and it’s okay. Lately, I’ve been in celebration of the joy that my accomplishments are bringing while grieving that there are people that I love that aren’t around or are unavailable to be in celebration with me. This conflict has literally made me feel very ill. There’s not much worse than having amazing things going on when some of the people you love can’t be as or more happy for you in your joy. It’s a lonely-as-hell place to be. Even with others, who float around the periphery of your life, cheering for you, it somehow sounds less loud if the ones closest to you or absent are quiet about your latest joyful matter.
Eventually, I crack. I celebrate the ones who seem to genuinely be happy for what I’m doing and love to see me happy while I mourn the relationships that seem indifferent or less than enthused and cannot bring themselves to set aside their own pain/anger/jealousy/envy/lack to be fully present.
I cry with the overwhelm of both truths existing at the same time. The contradiction is just too much to inhabit my soul at once.
Getting back to Dad, he used to jokingly tune in to a soap opera in the 90s called, “As the World Turns.” When he did, he found it contradictory all the time. One 4 minute segment would show a couple screaming at each other over the latest infidelity while the next segment would show the mistress swelling with joy and pride over being pregnant by the married man, who we just saw fighting. Dad would roll his eyes, while grabbing the remote to change the channel, and say, “This show should be called ‘Too Much World.’”
As I grapple with having a stellar year of accomplishments while being celebrated with by some and brushed off by others, I guess I feel Dad’s words in a huge way. This just feels like Too Much World sometimes.
~~~ Disclaimer: What is the saving grace for me is truly those that cheer me on, encourage me, love me for my authentic self, and are always present. Please keep doing so as I delight in you too.
