No Dignity

“Dignity.”

“Dig - Neh - Tee,” I sounded out the pronunciation to myself while lying in bed and drumming up the oomph to get out of it.

I allowed this word to linger in my mind and spread throughout my whole spirit. I hadn’t heard that word in such a long time. When I did hear it, it was usually in the context of describing someone great in history. Never or rarely have I ever heard it used in the smallness of every day. It’s such a giant of a word, though, that encompasses so many features of how to treat all living things.

I mean, I really wanted to understand this. I rolled over and grabbed my tablet. Opening it to the search bar, I even slowly and deliberately punched in each letter. Since I had already soaked the word into the fascia of my body, it seemed like my fingers felt the weight of responsibility to render the letters nearly divine.

“D-I-g-n-I-t-y.” I typed and the list of definitions popped up. All of them were almost identical.

Dignity - The state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect.

State or quality I understood but, as usual for me, I needed to really understand another word in the definition so I punched in…

“W-o-r-t-h-y.”

Worthy - Having or showing the qualities or abilities that merit recognition in a specified way.

“Hmm…” I thought to myself, “who gets to decide who’s worthy (per the definition) of honor or respect?” Then, I decided that was a topic for another think through.

Back to dignity. What causes one to be treated without dignity? Continuing the pattern of extrapolation, I discovered that the definition of the word, undignified is, appearing foolish and unseemly; lacking in dignity.

“Ugh,” I thought, “this is getting complicated.” I know of at least one person who has told me, over the course of my life, that I was being foolish. Haven’t we all? I also know that I have been treated with zero dignity quite a few times over the course of my life. Almost to the point of dehumanization. Or, maybe actually to the full point of dehumanization. I was going to compare it to being treated like an animal but I believe that animals should be treated with respect so that description is out.

“Worse than an animal then,” I whisper wryly.

I can think of the mildest example when I was on the highway and a guy in a cliche’ sports car drove up quickly behind me and got really close. When I didn’t move out of his way in the time he thought I should, he swung his car to the right of me and screamed all sorts of undignified terms and phrases at me, before speeding off while giving me the notorious finger.

Did my existing and driving a little over the speed limit, which wasn’t fast enough for him, render me undeserving of dignity? Why did he get to decide in that moment that I was foolish or unseemly?

And, that’s only the tip of the iceberg. Times that I was treated without dignity range from interactions with strangers, medical professionals, all the way up to close people in my life. I know I’m no exception to this pattern. Everyone can say that. Though some can say that happens to them more often than others. Some might not even be aware yet that they are being treated without dignity. And that’s really, really devastating to imagine….because I used to be that person. In past occurrences that I’ve reflected on, I just didn’t know I was being treated without dignity. Of course, that’s not the case anymore. I certainly know when someone is being unkind to me.

But the difference is, I used to think I earned that treatment or deserved it because of my own conduct. Now, though? I have stepped into the role of knowing in my whole being that I don’t deserve to be anyone’s scapegoat. I had never deserved to be treated without dignity. And, that has upended the whole can of worms in evaluating my relationships with people. It’s been a pretty messy process, facing the dirt and slime of feelings and shame that I ever allowed it in the first place. It has shifted how I interact with people and what I allow to permeate the layer of what I believe about myself.

Allow. I allowed. I won't allow.

Epiphany?

Yeah…there it is.

“Ah,” I say, answering my first BIG question. “I get to decide that I’ll be treated with honor and respect. I already did actually.”

The answer to my second BIG question quickly followed…

I get to decide that I’m worthy.