Me, Myself, and I (And You)

I have been asked what genre I plan to write in and have been given suggestions as to what I should stick to. When asked about any general plans I have for my writing, I only have the response, “I don’t know.”

And that’s frightening to admit.

I’ve always been an avid planner. Monday mornings consist of sitting with a coffee and an open spiral bound calendar where I diligently plug in the duties for each day of the week. I have our budget planned for the month, sometimes stretching into the whole year depending on the bill (rarely do things turn out EXACTLY as they should though!). I even contacted my sister this past January asking what we are going to do for our birthdays in May (they’re 5 days apart) to which my sister responded simply with, “It’s January.” ‘Nuff said! Admittedly, that one might have been a little overboard.

With the words that I write, though, I am finding that I must be inspired to write, and for that to happen, it’s causing me to actually live my life more observantly and in the present. It’s compelling me to notice the beauty and the ugly that unfold around me, dismantle it within my imagination, and fully live in the experience of the moment. Only then, can I allow my intuition to nudge me to write or just stay engaged in that precious sliver of time.

And that’s not easy in our culture that values the clock, the schedule, and the accomplishment of goals.

We spend our lives hoping that we get that degree, that job, out of debt, married, that house we’ve dreamed of, or that status that places itself firmly in our mind as our ultimate met goal. But, when we get to the other side of those things, are we truly fulfilled? Maybe some are but for those who imagine that they won’t be, what will make you fulfilled? What makes your heart content to the deepest depths? Is it snuggling with your mate? Your babies? Your pup or kitty? Is it just sitting at a park bench or on a sandy beach and watching the clouds roll by?

Those questions are undoubtedly some that you’ve heard or read before. Personally, I’ve been powerfully challenged to ask myself those questions for the past 3 years. I had to consider these things so much that my entire world has been overturned. The initial “Big Bang” of this overturning was in 2017. I was riddled with panic attacks, frequent thoughts of my mortality (hopefully someday in the very very far future!), questioning my faith, relationships, and ultimately, my relationship with my own self. I had spent most of my life being the woman that the person before me wanted me to be. Or better stated, the woman that I assumed that person wanted me to be.

How sad to think of all those years that I planned the mirage of my being around the presence of any other person. And I mean, ANY other person. If I felt my parents wanted me to be the studious, obedient child that didn’t cause any drama by sharing any feelings, that’s what I did. If I felt that my husband wanted me to be the meek, quiet, unassuming, not “needy” wife, that’s who I was.

I even planned my outward emotional demonstrations when I was alone so no one would think I was “unstable” or “seeking attention”.

As you can imagine, this didn’t work out well for me and the year 2017 came along to break me. My parents moved states away, my marriage was being stretched, my father was dying and did eventually succumb to his illness. I had a medical emergency and nearly died myself. I spent most of that year and half of the next year driving from Ohio to Tennessee, and back again, dealing with one crisis after another. In Tennessee, I slept in my car, an unheated shed at the bottom of a mountain, a bunkhouse on a horse farm, various hotels, and a mold-infested shack. The thing that broke in me was my propensity to control everything and I had to live my life with absolutely NO PLAN. Those were the most terrifying times in my life.

I am reflective of those days as I have become more and more aware of - myself. I am just now getting to know myself. I still think I know some of my family members better than I even know me. Being in the present helps with that. It isn’t always easy to sit with your emotions in the quiet of the day - or night. I sometimes don’t like what comes up. I spend quite a bit of time picking apart how I feel about a situation because I haven’t yet figured out how I feel about it. I have a pretty good guess at what my husband, my mom, my brother, the neighbor, my children, or my dogs might want me to feel about it but even that is a facade. If I don’t know myself 100 percent then it’s unlikely that they know themselves to the same extent. I am still grieving the loss of the years that I could have spent more energy exploring my own depths instead of giving the longest audition ever for a part that I would never get….the role of the “perfect person”. Who can possibly get that role? I remind myself of this constantly when I’m being a critic of myself or others.

Getting back to the opening line, where am I going with this project? I don’t know but I am interested in finding out. I do know that I hope my words help other people in some way to enrich their own lives on their own terms. Anytime you are practicing lovingkindness within and without, I really don’t think you’ll go wrong. I hope you get “broken” in a good way (I don’t suggest that you do it the way I did for Heaven’s sake!) and release those things that are taking you nowhere. And pick up the things that will take you home to yourself.

Your true self.