Whose Peace Anyway?
Whose Peace Anyway?
Do you ever claim to make a choice because you’re “keeping the peace”? Maybe you don’t clap back to correct someone when they make an untruthful or damaging remark. Or, perhaps you let behaviors of adults go on because you don’t want to argue in front of the children?
I am in awe of people who appear to let things roll off their shoulders.
But sometimes I wonder when we or they keep the peace…whose peace are we keeping? Theirs, ours, or no one’s? Where do we draw the line?
I know, for me, I have often kept quiet about things that bothered me, made me uncomfortable, embarrassed me, hurt me, or any other thing that impacted my emotional well-being. I did so because saying something about it might start an argument, worse, it might be minimized or ignored completely. This has been my experience with some people, unfortunately, because it would seem I’ve been exposed to some emotionally immature people.
I’m certain I’m not alone in that.
I was immature too and am still growing in this area. Years of therapy off and on have begun to help me recognize my own immaturity and certainly recognize that in the personalities and behaviors of others. Either they aren’t aware of their poor responses to being notified of the impact their behavior has, or aren’t ready and willing to change how they respond to someone when they’ve been told they’re hurting others.
Many of the people that are in their circle likely just don’t say anything in order to keep down any harmful confrontation. But how is that any meaningful relationship? Mother/Daughter, father/son, child/caregiver, husband/wife, boss/employee, or any relationship at all must be mutually respectful of the humanity within the person that they interact with. We all crave to be heard and when we’re not, a breakdown of trust in the listener begins to take hold. Eventually, this relationship dissolves into a contemptuous dynamic that takes such a long time and a hard effort to redeem.
When we’re met with harsh words as we attempt to relate our feelings to someone, we begin the “walking on eggshells” path of keeping the peace. I know this path well and am pretty skilled at noticing when I’ve crushed even the most molecular-sized shard. I’m here to say that none of that has EVER brought me personal peace and I’ll wager that the people who I was trying to have peace with never had it to begin with themselves. Else, why would they be so explosive at the mere step on a molecular shard?
So whose peace am I keeping anyway in that situation?
I don’t suggest that we become the antithesis of peace, complaining about our every issue that we have with a person. That will certainly not be helpful or keep any peace just to get some things off of your chest and tell them how bad they suck. I am saying that it’s totally within your normal humanity to have a feeling in response to someone’s actions or words. Certainly, it’s totally within your right to exist and to respect to say if that hurt you. Their response to you is their own. And really, if they respond poorly, it’s their own pathway to peace that they need to embark upon. You simply cannot carve out the road to peace for them by avoiding a potential negative reaction from them when you lovingly say they hurt you.
Notice that I use the word lovingly. The best way that I have to explain this approach is to ask yourself: Would I use the same tone and words with myself that they used with me? And: How can I respond to their hurtful comment with the same tone and words that I would use for myself? I trust that you, at least, love yourself enough to not want to intentionally harm yourself. Gauging how others speak to you and moderating how you speak to others as you examine and answer the 2 questions above might be a good place to start your path. Not only will this stop just “keeping the peace…”
… It will evolve into…“exchanging peace.”
It is saying to someone, “I’m attempting to extend peace to you and I am anticipating an extension of peace from you.”
For sure, it won’t always happen and you have the right to declare that you must disengage from the conversation until mutual respect and peace can prevail. You can walk away but I caution against “stonewalling” (abandoning the person completely by action and without a word). It’s appropriate to say that you need to create space and that you stand ready to reengage at a later, calmer time.
I write this laughingly, somewhat derisively, because I started this piece a few days ago as a draft, and wouldn’t you know…I’m being confronted by this very topic as often happens when I start meditating on my next subject matter. Discord entered our home from without and infiltrated through every proverbial crack in our minds and spirit. It’s taken a few days to sort through things and there’s still the lingering essence of conflict but writing this has helped me realize what is needed to extend peace and receive peace. It’s recognizing that I can share my feelings as MY feelings and I can hear their feelings as THEIR feelings and we can still honor and see that part of our humanity.
Admittedly, I was the one that wasn’t hearing from them about their experience.
Be right back, I’m going to admit my immaturity.
While I do, I hope this spoke to you and resonates with you - whatever side of peace you are on.
As long as it’s peace at the center, I believe you will be golden.
“...be selfish in the idea of retaining your peace. There is no harm in that selfishness because by that you are not going to harm anybody. Instead, you will bring the same peace to others also.”
